Men Behaving Badly Series 4

Tony: Debs!
Deborah: Hi, Tony.
Tony: Hi.
Deborah: How are you?
Tony: Well, I haven't had a woman for over three months because I can't get you out of my head, so I've been on this, sort of, spiral of depression that can be alleviated only temporarily by these great, long binges of self-abuse.

Gary: What's this?
Tony: Ah, it's my rejection letter from the Samaritans.
Gary: "Unfortunately, we thought that your comments that these people need to pull themselves together betrayed a lack of understanding.  Nor could we agree that the best antidote to depression is drinking lager until your head spins."

Tony: Gary, you know masturbation?
Gary: Vaguely, yes.
Tony: And you know women?
Gary: Women, yes.
Tony: Well, when they do it, right, they imagine Richard Gear or Linford Christie or whatever, lying on top of them, probably on a mountaintop.
Gary: Or in a leafy glade.
Tony: Yea, somewhere with a girlie atmosphere.
Gary: Whereas all we have to do is reach for your favorite mag and yank your plank!
Tony: I mean it's quicker, you don't have to use your imagination, and it's good for local news agents.

Dorothy: Oh, I shouldn't have come here, but...
Gary: I know.  You needed a shoulder to cry on.
Dorothy: No.  Just needed someone I could feel superior to.

Tony: This book says that women respond to three things.  That's flattery, the protection that only a bloke can give, and a sense of humor.
Gary: I see.  So your best chat up line would be, "'ello tits, I've got a shooter in me pocket, how many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb?"

Optometrist: What image are you looking for?
Tony: Well, I want to look fashionable and intelligent and humorous and sophisticated and sexy.
Optometrist: Have you thought of reincarnation?

Gary: That's it.  I'm sending you both on a training course this weekend.  I'm going on a course myself this weekend.  Mine will be one long round of delirious pleasures, probably involving a certain element of sexual fulfillment.  Your's, however, will be a grueling lesson in modern business techniques, probably involving a good slapping.